Orientation week has started at university. The only thing I’ve seen so far were queues. Although, I did get to direct two people to the great hall. That wasn’t terrifying. So why the hell can’t I deal with groups?
Let’s look at the medications I am on. Bupropion is gone now. It killed my emotional range. After being off it for a few days I can cry again. Which is great. It also caused me to get crazy hungry, I would just attack all the snacks – perhaps it was stress eating, perhaps it was a combination of the two.
We’ve got lorazepam 2.5 mg, a benzodiazepine, which I’ve been splitting in half and taking a few hours apart to have a greater effect over a longer period of time. And only taking as needed – very important. However, it just doesn’t feel like it’s enough. Today I added half a propranolol, 5 mg, as 10 mg was making me far too fatigued. A casual walk up and down stairs should not make a person sweat violently.
Unfortunately, after today I can confidently say that this combination is not helping. And I hate to say this knowing what it puts me through every time, but I am going to bring pregabalin back into the fold.
I’ll discuss this further with my psychiatrist later this week at length. I’m honestly having issues seeing any other solutions apart from the sweet release of death.
In hindsight, looking back at my past performance at university, I have only been successful if I have a support person with me. How can I make that happen? My capacity is limited when it comes to dealing with unknown people and even more so unknown groups.
So we’ll use pregabalin, maybe along with the lorazepam and see how much memory loss I end up with. It should remove my social limiters at least.
Way back in 2021 when I was attending UNSW while working… I was on something around 300 mg pregabalin per day. The one course I did, I scored a High Distinction (97). I can’t remember anything about it, but I did well. So yeah, memory might break. Ughhh!
I suppose in an absolute worst case, I end up dropping the course and deferring until early 2025 and try again. Who knows maybe things will be more stable by then. A girl can dream about having a decent income via disability support pension (DSP) or maybe just escaping this living hell we call life. 🤷♀️
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